We're growing up...

My friends and I.

3 weeks ago my best friend had a baby.
Yesterday I went to the wedding of one of my closest college friends.
At the reception, one of my other closest college friends told me she was preggers.
My cousin and best friend just started up a new business.
My other best friend is graduating from law school in May.

My friends are amazing. They are supportive wives, dynamite business owners, wonderful Mothers and women who are actively leaving footsteps all over. I feel so honored to have such a strong group of women in my circle.

This morning I sat in the sanctuary of my college-town church. It brought back so many memories. I hadn't been to that church since right before I graduated. I saw that same mean-faced usher. And the same lady always gets the Holy Ghost 3 seconds after a song starts. As I opened my Bible to turn to the day's scripture, two church bulletins fell out. One from my church back home and one from the church I attend in Orlando. I smiled. No matter how much I travel, I always find a way to attend a church.

Yesterday at the wedding reception I shared a table with the wedding planner. She was the fiercest 62-year old that I had ever seen. I talked to her for an hour. About everything...my future, relationships, my business ventures, etc. She provided so much insight. She inspired me. Motivated me. She congratulated me. "On being a bad ass young Black woman". She said I've done so much in life already. And that she can't wait to see me on some red carpet. Or in Black Enterprise. Or on the Oprah show. She says I exude such positivity. And that's why she came and sat next to me in the first place.

I mean, wow.

I feel myself changing. It's amazing. I feel like I am in such a good place in life. My relationship with God is better. My self-awareness is more on point. My organization and planning for Clumps is better. Of course there's my health...which for whatever reason is declining. Never mind that I have to have two in-hospital procedures. I'm not afraid. Never mind that in a month I have to make some serious moves/plans. I'm trying to separate my wants/desires to what God wants for me. That's tough. But I'm working on it.

And then there's my being celibate. I'm not looking at it as a bad thing anymore. I feel "pure". I feel better knowing that I'm not giving it up to someone who is not my future husband. The longer I go without gettin' "some", the better I feel. The desires are less and the focus increases. It's a good GOOD feeling.

I'm growing up.

Am I alone?

 Two things send me to hell on Earth.

Cramps
Migraines

Both have the tendency to remove all kind of positivity I have floating in my veins. They depress me and make me unproductive. And being unproductive makes me feel like a worthless loser. Dramatic, I know but hey...my parents always made sure that I was doing "something" so when I'm not I feel inadequate.

Yeah, thats' right...blame character flaws on the parentals. Never mind that I haven't been parented in like...years.

Anyway,

...yesterday's migraine almost killed me. It was so bad. These pains also remind me of how alone I am. If something happened to me, I'd be on my own. If I'm too sick to drive home, I'd have to call a cab. No one will make soup or run to get my homeopathic meds. No one will sit by my side and rub my back or pray with me while I cry away the pain. It's very sad. I never think about this until I'm sick though.

Yesterday my migraine was so bad that I swear I kept blacking out at the wheel while I was driving home. I kept wondering what would happen if I completely blacked out and got into a car accident. Who would come to my rescue? Who would know? I wanted to cry at the thought but crying would only intensify my pain.

That's another reason why I stopped crying. It only brings about more pain. I now associate crying with pain which is funny since it's usually pain that causes crying in the first place. It's like:

Pain=crying + pain causd by crying therefore=crying=pain

or

C=A+B therefore A=C

My f-ing 10th grade Algebra teacher would be proud. Only took 8 years for me to understand that equation crap. So now I'm up at 3am because I've slept for so many freaking hours. No one called to check to see how I was doing because no one knew that I was on death's door. And so I tweet. Damn shame that I have to reach out to the almost 3 thousand people I follow to let me them know that I'm okay. HA!

I don't like living like this. I hate admitting it but I need more people here. I love the church that I attend but I never thought about joining it. Maybe I need to. I have a few girlfriends here but not enough. Maybe I need to join the running group after all.

Haha, you thought I was going to mention something about a man, right? NOT The good Lord don't want me to be dating/boo-ed up/in love/sprung/married, etc. I just know it. Not that I care anymore. It's almost funny.

Almost

The 25 year old kid

Sometimes I hate being young.
And the thing is, I'm not THAT young.

I'm 25.
That's pretty grown-up.
I've been on my own for years.

It's kind of scary when I think about it.
Like, if my car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, I can't call Mom, Dad or a cousin to come pick me up. I'm on my own.

That sucks.

Sometimes I hate being young...
The 30+ crowd get all the good jobs. All the experience. They hog the spotlight. It's not fair, I say! I'm starting to feel like the "real world" ain't for me. Maybe I should go back to school and get more degrees until I turn 30.

Or maybe I should continue crafting my arts and sneak my way to the top. I'm sure the "old" people won't notice. They're too busy talking about their husband and kids. They're too busy doggin' out this new generation. They won't even notice me.

And before they know it, I'll be on the top. And they'll be like, "How dare that 25 year old be there! She didn't pay her dues. She doesn't know anything."

Yeah, that's what I'll do.

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Monday Blues

The high that is weekend relaxation, entertainment and joy collides with the low that is working an un-fulfilling 8-5. It's almost depressing and I wonder how I've managed to do it for so long.

I spent the weekend on cloud 9. I met my goddaughter and fell in love with her. I watched my friend's eyes sparkle as she held her newborn. I had a girl's night in with one of my greatest friends. We had an amazing Valentine's Day (or Black Love Day as she calls it). I received the best hug from a stranger. I was on my knees for quite some time last night. Just thanking God. For everything. I slid into bed with happiness.

I don't even feel like that person anymore. I'm irritable and annoyed. I'm sure a hellish migraine will accompany me later. I just feel like I'm due for one. The sun is shining through my office blinds and as much as I love the sun, it is pissing me off. It's a reminder of how I can't enjoy the beautiful weather. Every time the work phone rings, I want to ignore it or slam it on the ground.

I feel like I need a permanent vacay. From working. But I guess the other end of that is unemployment. And Lord knows I've been there before. Can my life hurry up and cooperate with me so I can work for myself full time now?

The Monday Blues are so real.
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My Funny Valentine

Detoxing always brings about a sense of renewal for me. Last week I detoxed physically and this week it was from Twitter and Facebook. I needed to do it. And because of it, I was able to apply to more jobs, do my budget and really spend some time thinking.

Not that I don't think enough anyway but...

I thought about celibacy. And how much it means to me. Even though people laugh. Even though I laugh at it myself sometimes. It's a struggle. But one that I need. I have a completely different view about sex than most. Very few understand.

But that's another blog post for another day.

I love Valentine's Day. Even as a single woman. It has never bothered me. Maybe because no matter what city I'm in my Mom still mails me a box of goodies. And my Dad sends me flowers. I was the only 5th grader getting balloons and candy delivered to me on Valentine's Day. I know I'm supposed to hate love. I'm supposed to be bitter and annoyed. I'm supposed to be depressed and feel lonely and desirous. I'm supposed to wonder when I'll meet that dream man.

But I'm not. And I don't. America's attack on "Why Black women aren't getting married" thing doesn't scare me anymore. I'm glad I don't have children right now. I don't want children right now. My friends who are parents get offended when I say it but I won't my children to be planned. Of course nothing goes as planned but I at least want to be in a financially and emotionally sound position before I crank out kids.

And I don't want to have kids out of wedlock. Some people say things just "happen". I don't want that to happen to me. I. Me. I would never judge others but I know what Brittany wants and doesn't want. In fact if you asked me what my biggest nightmare is, that would be it. Actually that and messing up my credit score.

Ah well...I'm just learning and growing. I don't worry as much about where I'm supposed to be and what I'm suppposed to do. All I can do is keep being BFFs with God and finding purpose in all I do.
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Writing is magical like that.

When I was in middle school, I spent a lot of my time in a fantasy world. I was aware of reality, but my fantasy world was a lot more exciting. And comforting. This world consisted of my characters. The characters that I created through the stories I wrote.

I still remember them. There was Lauren, the protagonist of the story "Those Were the Days". Lauren was everything I wasn't. She was popular and outgoing. She always had a boyfriend but not because she was kind of whore. She was just cool like that. Lauren was also intelligent, a good kid to her awful parents and was responsible and positive.

I created Lauren during a rough time of my life. My parents had just gotten divorced. My way of coping with that was by writing. I didn't talk. I didn't argue. No one could get through to me. Court ordered counseling did nothing. I had completely blocked out reality during that time.

I have sense emerged from that fantasy world (somewhat, lol). I feel myself becoming more and more like Lauren every day. Lauren's first love was this guy named Brandon. Guess the name of my first love's first name? I wrote this story in middle school and never knew my ex's name but thought it was craaaaazy how the names match up. After a crazy break-out with Brandon (he cheated on her with her best friend, that loser!) Lauren eventually became great friends with the new guy in town. His name was Kenneth. Guess what guyBFF's name is?

Writing is magical like that. While it may be unbeknown to the writer, the past, present and future can all somehow intertwine and create lessons for the writer. Most of my stories are about teenagers who are desperate for love. I wrote these stories because I too was always yearning for male attention. Writings these stories seemed to pacify me. They made me forget that in the real world my life was falling apart. Making Lauren and Brandon fall in love was like placing a band-aid over the wound of my heart that my parents left when they divorced. Their story was the medication for the pain that I endured every day in middle school. The name calling, the jokes, the teasing...all healed by a swig of my fantasy syrup.

In the end of that story after a dramatic suicide attempt, Lauren realized that she had love the entire time. What she was seeking for, she had the whole time. You see, Lauren never really wanted to die. She  didn't have the perfect life, but she had love. Her suicide attempt was a cry for help.

Her suicide attempt saved me.

How is it possible that the character I created could turn around and save me?

Writing is magical like that.

Mr. Perfect in Disguise...

This weekend I met a guy. He had locs. He was "my type" all the way. Delicious skin. I wanted to lick his cheek to see if he tasted like chocolate...that's how flawless his skin was. He stopped me while I was taking a break from jogging. We walked and talked for 20 minutes and I found out that this man was SO much like me. We laughed and he gave me so much motivation regarding my training. He told me I was beautiful even though I looked a hot and sweaty mess. Which I'm sure was a lie but at least he knew how to make a girl feel nice.

We hit a grassy spot by a retention pond. I love that spot. Every time I run outside, I make sure to stop there. I meditate and enjoy nature. He told me he loved living in Orlando. But he still wants to move around. Um, me too! He loves his parents. He loves sports. He enjoys hanging out with his friends but spends a lot of time alone.

He looked at his watch and jumped up suddenly.

"Opps," he says. "I have to go. Although I'd love to sit here with you all day."

I swoon. But only slightly. No need to get all geeked up over a man I just met.

"Besides," he says as he brushes grass off of his shirt. "My wife is probably wondering where I am."

I chuckle. Not out of shock though.

"So you're married," I say. "Why even spend your time talking with me if you have a wife at home?"

"Would you have talked to me had you known I was married?" he said.

-3 second pause-

"Exactly," he said. "Sometimes it's good to be in the company of another woman that's not your wife...while engaging in normal conversation. I would never cheat on my wife but I miss talking with beautiful women such as yourself."

He winked at me and jogged off.

Eff my life. This always happens. Moments like this make my heart grow colder. It's like some sick joke that love plays on me. This has been the case most of my life and frankly, I'm annoyed by it.

So I asked God to take away that desire until I can use it. Seriously. I want to admire men from afar but be completely unattached physically and emotionally. I don't want to turn away from love in general because I love love. I love my family and my friends. I love supporting others. I love making people happy. So not being able to love would be the death of me.

But loving a man at this point in my life ain't meant for me. Nor do I want it to be.

Oh well...

I want a body like hers!

I swear I've never been obsessed with celebrities' bodies. Even as a teen I was never desirous of looking like "her" or having a body like "her". But I'd be lying if I said I didn't fantasize about having a body like Serena's.

I mean, honestly! She is the only celebrity I've seen that proudly flaunts thick thighs. I spend a good 5 minutes after every work-out flexing my legs hoping that one day they magically look like Serena's. I can give up on the big booty thing though. Unless God wants to surprise me with some junk in the truck, I'm stuck with No Assitol syndrome. But whatev. I'm over that.

This 5K training is killing me. My breathing is finally up to par. But now my shins and feet act like they don't know how to work. They'll have to fall off before I quit though. Pushing myself physically hurts like hell but it's exhilarating. It's like a drug. A high. An obsession.


(photo source)

Miami and Puerto Rico...

I've got a Superbowl beauty event that I was just invited to. I HAVE to go.

That Man just invited me to Puerto Rico next month. I ________ go.

Why does life have to be so complicated?

Gifts and Two Months Time

A reader once asked me if I could tell her where I got the little book of quotes from.

"What quotes?" I asked her.

"The quotes that you post on Twitter. Some of them are so inspiring and I would love to pass them on to friends."

"Oh," I replied. "Those don't come from a book. I just come up with them."

"No way....." she says.

The little quotes that I tweet often come to me without warning. I don't sit around and ponder about what inspiring words I could say to others. These thoughts flow from my head to my fingertips. It really is that simple.

I am loving 2010 because now more than ever I am realizing that I need to recognize my gifts and use them effectively. Sheer observance of this sends me back to a chair in Border's Bookstore. Back when I was unemployed and depressed. Faithful but stressed. Every morning I would wake up at 7am. I  had nowhere to go but I would put on business attire and head to the bookstore to look for jobs. I would read the dictionary. Read Black literature. I would cry in the bathroom and read my Bible afterward. I felt so low. I felt worthless. Like a loser. With no direction.

God is funny, I tell you. I spent all of that time trying to figure out where I should go. What I would do. And what talent of mine would take me there.  It was with me the entire time. My gift. Writing. It was there and I didn't know it.

Now I know. And I wake up every morning inspired and motivated to write. I write something every day. It's like breathing. Like praying. Like working out. I can't NOT do it.

I am so grateful for faith. Even when I am down...I'm not there for long.

I have two months. Two months to find a new place to live. Two months to find a job. Two months to jump start my career. I suppose I am already doing the latter but it's not in the area that I want to be. I have two months to make it happen.

Two months to train and run a 5K.
Two months to pack up my apartment and move elsewhere.
Two months to revamp my resume, build a professional media kit and apply to jobs.
Two months to network.
Two months to make sacrifices.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Or afraid. I wish I had my Mom around. I wish my closest friends were closer. I wish I had more money. And more time. I wish I had a man to help me move out of my place. To support me. To work-out with me and to help me.

But I don't. And despite that, I don't feel alone. God has got my back.

So....*deep breath*

Here goes!

Entering hustle mode...

That money thang can sho get a sista down. If and when I let it, though.

I cried over money woes a lot when I was in college. A LOT! Times were hard and I never wanted to ask my parents for money. Even though they had it. I would literally struggle like mad because I thought I was such a grown-up and wanted to be on my own. I have sense learned that being too proud is not a good thing. Sometimes people really want to help you and blocking that is blocking a blessing. I hit rock bottom before I learned that lesson.

I have so many business expenses right now. I used to complain about it a lot. But what you reap, you sow, right? I need a business loan. But I won't go that far. Yet.

I am now in hustle mode and prepping up for Clumps the business, a huge move, conferences and only God knows what else. My funds are tapped out but I'm going to make this happen by having a little faith and being extremely destitute for the next few months. That means no traveling. No buying things I don't need. No eating out---not that I do that a lot anyway.

....I don't know how I'm going to survive without traveling. The thought of being at home EVERY weekend depresses me. But I suppose it will give me the opportunity to really clean up, maximize my weekend work-out/runs. I may even spend a few dollars on a used bike and ride it on the weekends.

So I'm really trying HARD not to stress about this "low money" thang. I'm going to do what I can and hope I have enough to do what I really need to do.

Here we go....

The best in me....

Something happened when I was in Photoshop playing around with the above photo. I was listening to Marvin Sapp's "The Best in Me" and tears started streaming down my face. That song does something to me. I have always felt so misunderstood. Even now. No one understands my fire. My drive. My vision. My passion.

"Oh Brit likes to write,"

That's what folx would say if you asked them. But it is so much more than that. I can't even explain it. Maybe it's not meant to be explained. Maybe it can only be shown.

I'm alone but I'm not lonely. It's true. I'm a social butterfly but lately all I want to do is spend time with me. The occasional hang out with a girlfriend is fine but I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. I don't miss anyone. I don't live near family. I don't have a significant other. I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I don't know how to explain that either but I'm grateful for this. I am 25 and I get to focus on me. Worry about me. This is my time. I am so blessed. Some people don't get this time.

God has really been moving in my life. In such a powerful way. It's almost overwhelming. I'm learning from my devotional books and attempting to stay prayerful and faithful during the week after Sunday services.

"He saw the best...."

People hate Clumps of Mascara's new layout. They don't see my vision. They don't understand where I'm going. They think I'm crazy for getting rid of a hot pink background with flowers and crap. They don't understand that I am evolving and will only get better. They think that Clumps of Mascara is just a website. They don't understand that it is also a business and that my blog is also my resume. They don't get it.

"He only sees me for who I am."

God is speaking to me. It's hard to stay quiet. I feel like screaming about how wonderful God's grace and mercy is. People say they aren't "religious". They don't get in that "praising God/Allah/Jah/Jehovah" stuff in public.

"He saw the best in me when everyone else around could only see the worst in me."

Hey World, for real....watch this....

Vision boards and checklists...

It feels strange not stressing over that job. It literally took over my life last week. Which taught me some things. I really need to learn how to go for something, pray and move on.

Easier said than done, right?

But business-wise I am right on track.

Turned my blog into a business? CHECK
Got my own logo? CHECK
Re-designed my blog? CHECK
Social network rebranding? CHECK

Those were three huge duties on my to-do-list that I procrastinated on forever. And look....they got done in a matter of months. I'm proud.

Media Kit is next. Execumama, where you at?

I did a vision board a few nights ago. Wait until you see this....

The good kind of rejection...

Well....I didn't get the job. I found out while sitting in my car jammin' to Joe. He's got this new album and it's all smooth and sexy. Which is exactly how I feel in my car. It's super black with dark tint, decent speakers and has bucket seats....*sigh*....my car is so worth that car note. And to think months ago I was whining about buying a car. I'm such a wimp.

But anyway....I was sittin' in Chick-Fil-A's drive thru. I was craving some fruit and they sell yummy fresh fruit cups. And then I got the text. I really didn't want to cry. My feelings were hurt. I really wanted that job. It would have been perfect. I thought it was for me.

And then I felt guilty for crying about it. It felt immature and ungrateful. I've been so blessed and now that I don't get what I want, I cry about it? That's one punk move, yo.

And then I called my Mom. She told me to not worry about it. There was something else for me. That I should send prayers to the person that did get the job. She said I'm already doing a lot--and she's proud. "You can't have everything. Give someone else a chance."

She's right. A lot of times I wake up with the idea of wanting to shine and be the best. I want to give and be successful. But it takes time. Not getting that job put me in my place. In the end, it was kinda good that I didn't get it. I can't have EVERY great opportunity that comes my way. And many do. I've been humbled and now I'm back to being my non-anxious about a job self. Back to focus on 5K training and my Haiti relief event and Clumps' make over and my media kit and resume and my hair and my daily devotion. Back to the basics.


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Dreams to reality

Yesterday a friend of mine called me to ramble about some boy she likes. She went on and on and on for a good 10 minutes.

I'm really not a "phone" kind of girl. I'm just not. Especially after a long day at work. The last thing I want to hear is a female rambling and about some man. It's just not my cup of tea and most of my close friends know this and don't take it personally. This friend, however.... At the 11 minute-mark I say to her, "Sweets, I love you but I can't keep listening to this. My heart is heavy and full of ways of how I can help with this disaster that is in Haiti. So while you're freakin' out if this guy likes you or not, I hope that you know there are issues in the world that need your attention more than this guy."

And then I hung up. Was that rude? I'm sorry but I can't listen to one friend whine about a man one day when the next day I was listen to another friend cry about her family in Haiti. Some things are bigger than you. Ya know?

One night I had a dream. I dreamed Clumps of Mascara, LLC's first project. I wanted it to be some kind of "Help Haiti" mission. I woke up and put my dream into action. On Saturday, January 23rd from 10am-3pm at some chic lounge we are going to have a drive for toiletries. These toiletries will be sent to Haiti. I'm so excited about it. I have a friend drafting a flyer, I'm writing up my press release and letting the media know about it. This is what life is about.

I also dreamed that I go the job I am lounging for. No really, I DID! I dreamed I got a "Congratulations" email with instructions for my first piece.

Dreams to reality, dreams to reality...

Haiti, mwen renmen ou

Since my studies in college, my heart has always gone out to Haiti. Part of that came from a great deal of my friends being Haitian. And then I learned about Haiti's history. And Haiti's current position. I learned that it was one of the poorest country's in the World.

The latter didn't come as a shock. The entire continent of Africa is continuously stripped of its resources leaving the people poorer than poor. And not just Africa. Parts of India and....

I'm getting off topic. What I mean is, my heart is broken. Why did this have to happen to Haiti of all places? I just...I don't know what to say. Makes all of the things I want seem so unimportant.

They say things happen for a reason. That sometimes devastation happens because God wants mankind to help each other. I don't see how this makes sense in this case considering no one really helped Haiti to begin with.

I'm sounding really ignorant right now but that's only because I'm upset. Not to justify ignorance but....yeah.

I've been doing a lot of devotional reading lately. I spend a good 15 minutes a night praying and talking to God. It has been so soul cleansing. Tonight after my reading I'm going to pray for Haiti. And I'm going to pray for my selfishness. How silly of me to be worried about a 3rd job when some don't have 1. How unfair of me to worry about traveling to Europe this summer when others don't even know how they are going to eat tomorrow. I know I shouldn't stop living because of the world's issues but I don't feel right when I'm "living it up" and my closest friends have just lost loved ones. Just a few days ago I wrote a check in church to a family who lost everything in a house fire. Everything. I hope my $25 can do something.

Yesterday I got an email from a Clumps reader. She was telling me how Clumps brought her joy during a tough time. When readers send me emails like this I always tell them that their support is what keeps me going.

I don't know what this has to do with Haiti. I guess what I'm saying is I think one of my callings is to help and inspire. But with that comes a lot of guilt when I can't help everyone.

I don't know. Haiti mwen renmen ou.

High Anxiety...

I'm going through it right now.

I REALLY want this job. It's a freelance gig but ohmigoodness, it would mean SO much to me if I got it. I need it. It would be great. I can do it. I realllllly want it. I can't remember the last time I've wanted something badly.

Well in a job sense.

Just the other week I was craving some..

Never mind. I just REALLY want this job. Badly. I'm trying to practice patience and wait for a (positive) response. And I'm trying to practice praying and move on. I know that if it is in God's will for me to have it then---I'll have it. It sounds simple but last night I couldn't even sleep because I was so excited.

And I don't feel all positive about this gig like I did about writing for Clinique.com. The minute I turned in my video and application for Clinique I said,

"I got this." I didn't stress it. Nor was I nervous. In fact when I saw some unknown number pop up on my phone, I KNEW it was them telling me I was on the team.

I don't feel that way about this one. I'm nervous and all fearful of rejection.

I keep checking my Berry to see if I got a new email. Am I in?

I can't handle this. I need a paper bag. If I don't get this job I will be devastated.

No no....it ain't that deep but MAN.

I can't breathe.

2010 Randomness....

I'm going for a 3rd job soon. I'm excited about it. Mo money=mo savings. I told my Mom about it and she says, "When will you have time to.....breathe?"

Who needs to breathe? I need money! Now let's just hope I get this job.

Black people are all upset about because a race classification on the 2010 Census is "negro". Some mofos are talking about not even filling out their census report. Oh yeah, THAT makes sense. Now your "negro-behind" won't be counted and will be complaining in a year or so when there isn't enough legislative representation. I hate when Black folx get extra pissy about the WRONG thing.

Education is the key .

I really don't like to shop. At all. If I need an outfit or something, I'm in and out within 30 minutes. And hell no I'm not trying anything on because I already know my size.

Shopping in Sephora, Office Dept, Lowe's, Best Buy and Whole Foods is a different story. I could be in them places ALL day.

I used to cry a lot. Now I never cry. Crying is kinda lame. Especially when you cry all the time. No one can take you seriously anymore.

I was SO sick on Wednesday. I don't even know how I made it out of bed. But I did. And within 2 days I healed myself with echinacea, my homeopathic rememdies, Vitamin C and lots and lots of water. I wonder when people will realize that DayQuil and TheraFlu don't do crap but suppress symptoms.

I was in Whole Foods silently complaining about how damn expensive everything in that store was when a gal walked up to me and asked me if I'm on YouTube. "Something about mascara," she says. That's the 3rd time that's happened to me in Orlando. It's kinda cool.

I keep procrastinating on my 5K training. I need to call my trainer again. But I don't wanna. Not because he isn't good but because I don't want to pay the money. I'm so cheap. I piss my own self off with my cheap-ness.

I can't wait to go to church tomorrow. Traveling had me missing a good 2 weeks or so and I just feel wretched. Once upon a time I used to have this, "Oh, I can still love God and not go to church," attitude. Not anymore. Church is essential for my growth and I need to go.

I don't care who or what you serve, the devil is real.

I got a postcard in the mail about my annual report for my LLC being due soon. Aww crap. I don't even have a CPA. How am I going to do this? I'm scared.

I saw icicles outside of my window today. It's still not cold. Florida does not know cold. Cold is 17 degrees with a wind chill of zero and jumping on the C train from Brooklyn to Port Authority and then catching a cab to the Villages. And then standing outside of a poetry spot. THAT's cold.

My hair grows fast.

I love my 4th tattoo.

I wonder what travels I will take this year. I'm going to Las Vegas if it kills me. And I want to go to some part of Texas. San Fran, maybe. But I don't know anyone who lives over there. Back to NYC, Miami and Atlanta are definitely on the list. I can't think of any other states I HAVE to visit. Time to go International. Well, my girls are planning a trip to London, Amsterdam and France in the summer. SO hope that goes down.

I still can't believe I'm 25. I'm such a big girl. I'm like a little grown woman. Aww, I'm so proud of myself.

I'm so blessed.

Relationship? What's that?

Lately the talk of love, relationships and marriage has been coming up in a lot of my conversations with folx. Now I'm not trying to act like some anti-love thug or anything but very rarely am I thinking about love, etc. I don't know what that says about me either. While a lot of my fellow counterparts are eagerly waiting to be in the relationship of their dreams or get married, I'm just....chillin'.

Yesterday my guyBFF told me that he and his girlfriend decided to end things. I was a little sad because I liked ole girl. And I hate hearing about break-ups for two people who seem to be good together. Granted I wasn't IN the relationship so I don't know what happened, but still....

And then a girlfriend of mine told me that she prays for a man daily. Call me stupid, but I've never thought to pray for a man. And I am a HUGE believer in prayer. As much as I love to love and love being in a relationship, I have never asked God to send someone my way. It was never THAT serious to me.

But now I'm getting older and I suppose....more anxious. I don't really like admitting that. It seems lame and desperate. I'm okay with being vulnerable in some areas but not when it comes to admitting that I may be desirous of a mate. Ugh! Just typing that makes me feel like some 60-year old cat lady who has been single for years.

I've been single for awhile. I've dated guys losers here and there but nothing really STUCK. From the homeless 38 year old to the Bible loving 'I'm not gay anymore' guy (don't ask, lmao!) I dated because I was bored. And I was bored because I wasn't doing anything to occupy my time. But now I am. My blogging/business ventures take up a lot of time. I go to bed without craving someone next to me. I don't even think about sex.

I know, I know....that probably isn't even normal, is it? Some folx be gettin' it on a regular and I hardly think about it. That's just---strange. But it's where I am right now and I've accepted it.

But somewhere....somewhere deep inside my soul, I know that I want to be in a relationship. I mean, I guess. I DON'T KNOW. I want to be married. Just not tomorrow. I'm so confused.

So what did I do? I prayed. I asked God to keep me strong but not bitter. Desirous and not desperate. To keep me on the path that HE wants me to be on. It was hard for me to "ask" for a man. Do I want one because I feel like I need to scoop one up before they all run out? (lol) Or do I want one because I'm really ready to be in relationship? I can't figure it out.

I'm going to continue to pray about it. I know that I can offer A LOT to a good man. But I want to be woman enough to appreciate him when he comes along.

In the meantime I'll keep building my empire, helping others and enjoying my low lack of a sex drive. It could be worse. I could have an insane sex drive and be a raging whore.

I'm just sayin'...

I actually thought about semi-adopting that lifestyle but hittin' and quittin' ain't for me.

I'm just sayin'...

I should just stop, uh? Hahahahaaaa!

(photo source)

Woe is Black women.....

Why does America make it seem like we can't get a man? Exactly why are we the target here? Aren't we desirable?

And then the other part of me wonders....is this right? I mean, after all....I do know a lot of unmarried and successful Black women. My White friends are usually always in relationships. Some are getting married pretty young. But my Black girl friends?

Sometimes as a Black woman I feel stuck. My hair is "unprofessional". Do companies consider me when they formulate foundations? Am I relevant in any way?

And then other times I feel like shouting to the world, "Screw you and what you think of me!" I am the exception to the rule. I'm not what you think I am. I hate having to PROVE myself to America. I'm not a woman. I'm a Black woman. And with that often comes some kind of stereotype and it's so frustrating.

But it doesn't stop me from doing what I have to do. I don't use it as a crutch. I keep it movin'....

Bringin' in 2010...

Happy New Year! I'm so blessed. I spent mine in some beautiful lounge in Tribeca surrounded around beautiful people. We were all given a champagne glass and danced until the countdown.

And then the countdown began..

"10..."

10 years ago I was fifteen. A child, a baby...

"9..."

'09 is a year I'll never forget. Purchased. My first car. Incorporated my first business. Paid my taxes. Traveled to more places and states than ever before.

"8..."

The approximate number of serious cries I had that year. I'm talkin' "defeated cries". The cries that made me want to give up.

"7..."

"6..."

"5..."

The approximate number of stupid decisions I've made. Business ventures done wrong, allowing the wrong people in my life, money and time wasted...

"4..."

"3..."

The approximate number of new states I WILL visit. This includes Nevada, Texas and Colorado.

"2..."

"1..."

The number of chances I have. The number of lives I have. I am not Mario with 4 lives to spare. I am on one journey. I cannot quit or give up. I will, I can and I better.

Happy New Year!!!!

I clinked glasses, I hugged friends and strangers and I partied in the city that I knew would be my home in a matter of months. I prayed and thanked God for another year. I thanked him for my health and strength and for putting so many wonderful people in my life. A best friend that looks out for me in so many ways. A guy friend that showers me with enough love and attention that I very rarely get the "single blues". A Mom that continues to be my rock. Sisters that motivate me. A Dad that has issues but I know loves me. Older friends that mentor me. College friends that keep me young. High school friends that STILL have my back. Clumps/blogger friends that inspire me in soooo many ways. Clumps of Mascara....wow. My dream, my passion, my business, my love. It, like myself, will only get better in 2010.
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