My life. My thoughts. And I'm probably crazy for letting random people in. Wouldn't be the craziest thing I've done though. Watch this!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

We're growing up...

My friends and I.

3 weeks ago my best friend had a baby.
Yesterday I went to the wedding of one of my closest college friends.
At the reception, one of my other closest college friends told me she was preggers.
My cousin and best friend just started up a new business.
My other best friend is graduating from law school in May.

My friends are amazing. They are supportive wives, dynamite business owners, wonderful Mothers and women who are actively leaving footsteps all over. I feel so honored to have such a strong group of women in my circle.

This morning I sat in the sanctuary of my college-town church. It brought back so many memories. I hadn't been to that church since right before I graduated. I saw that same mean-faced usher. And the same lady always gets the Holy Ghost 3 seconds after a song starts. As I opened my Bible to turn to the day's scripture, two church bulletins fell out. One from my church back home and one from the church I attend in Orlando. I smiled. No matter how much I travel, I always find a way to attend a church.

Yesterday at the wedding reception I shared a table with the wedding planner. She was the fiercest 62-year old that I had ever seen. I talked to her for an hour. About future, relationships, my business ventures, etc. She provided so much insight. She inspired me. Motivated me. She congratulated me. "On being a bad ass young Black woman". She said I've done so much in life already. And that she can't wait to see me on some red carpet. Or in Black Enterprise. Or on the Oprah show. She says I exude such positivity. And that's why she came and sat next to me in the first place.

I mean, wow.

I feel myself changing. It's amazing. I feel like I am in such a good place in life. My relationship with God is better. My self-awareness is more on point. My organization and planning for Clumps is better. Of course there's my health...which for whatever reason is declining. Never mind that I have to have two in-hospital procedures. I'm not afraid. Never mind that in a month I have to make some serious moves/plans. I'm trying to separate my wants/desires to what God wants for me. That's tough. But I'm working on it.

And then there's my being celibate. I'm not looking at it as a bad thing anymore. I feel "pure". I feel better knowing that I'm not giving it up to someone who is not my future husband. The longer I go without gettin' "some", the better I feel. The desires are less and the focus increases. It's a good GOOD feeling.

I'm growing up.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Am I alone?

 Two things send me to hell on Earth.


Both have the tendency to remove all kind of positivity I have floating in my veins. They depress me and make me unproductive. And being unproductive makes me feel like a worthless loser. Dramatic, I know but parents always made sure that I was doing "something" so when I'm not I feel inadequate.

Yeah, thats' right...blame character flaws on the parentals. Never mind that I haven't been parented in like...years.


...yesterday's migraine almost killed me. It was so bad. These pains also remind me of how alone I am. If something happened to me, I'd be on my own. If I'm too sick to drive home, I'd have to call a cab. No one will make soup or run to get my homeopathic meds. No one will sit by my side and rub my back or pray with me while I cry away the pain. It's very sad. I never think about this until I'm sick though.

Yesterday my migraine was so bad that I swear I kept blacking out at the wheel while I was driving home. I kept wondering what would happen if I completely blacked out and got into a car accident. Who would come to my rescue? Who would know? I wanted to cry at the thought but crying would only intensify my pain.

That's another reason why I stopped crying. It only brings about more pain. I now associate crying with pain which is funny since it's usually pain that causes crying in the first place. It's like:

Pain=crying + pain causd by crying therefore=crying=pain
C=A+B therefore A=C

My f-ing 10th grade Algebra teacher would be proud. Only took 8 years for me to understand that equation crap. So now I'm up at 3am because I've slept for so many freaking hours. No one called to check to see how I was doing because no one knew that I was on death's door. And so I tweet. Damn shame that I have to reach out to the almost 3 thousand people I follow to let me them know that I'm okay. HA!

I don't like living like this. I hate admitting it but I need more people here. I love the church that I attend but I never thought about joining it. Maybe I need to. I have a few girlfriends here but not enough. Maybe I need to join the running group after all.

Haha, you thought I was going to mention something about a man, right? NOT The good Lord don't want me to be dating/boo-ed up/in love/sprung/married, etc. I just know it. Not that I care anymore. It's almost funny.