My life. My thoughts. And I'm probably crazy for letting random people in. Wouldn't be the craziest thing I've done though. Watch this!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Relationship? What's that?

Lately the talk of love, relationships and marriage has been coming up in a lot of my conversations with folx. Now I'm not trying to act like some anti-love thug or anything but very rarely am I thinking about love, etc. I don't know what that says about me either. While a lot of my fellow counterparts are eagerly waiting to be in the relationship of their dreams or get married, I'm just....chillin'.

Yesterday my guyBFF told me that he and his girlfriend decided to end things. I was a little sad because I liked ole girl. And I hate hearing about break-ups for two people who seem to be good together. Granted I wasn't IN the relationship so I don't know what happened, but still....

And then a girlfriend of mine told me that she prays for a man daily. Call me stupid, but I've never thought to pray for a man. And I am a HUGE believer in prayer. As much as I love to love and love being in a relationship, I have never asked God to send someone my way. It was never THAT serious to me.

But now I'm getting older and I suppose....more anxious. I don't really like admitting that. It seems lame and desperate. I'm okay with being vulnerable in some areas but not when it comes to admitting that I may be desirous of a mate. Ugh! Just typing that makes me feel like some 60-year old cat lady who has been single for years.

I've been single for awhile. I've dated guys losers here and there but nothing really STUCK. From the homeless 38 year old to the Bible loving 'I'm not gay anymore' guy (don't ask, lmao!) I dated because I was bored. And I was bored because I wasn't doing anything to occupy my time. But now I am. My blogging/business ventures take up a lot of time. I go to bed without craving someone next to me. I don't even think about sex.

I know, I know....that probably isn't even normal, is it? Some folx be gettin' it on a regular and I hardly think about it. That's just---strange. But it's where I am right now and I've accepted it.

But somewhere....somewhere deep inside my soul, I know that I want to be in a relationship. I mean, I guess. I DON'T KNOW. I want to be married. Just not tomorrow. I'm so confused.

So what did I do? I prayed. I asked God to keep me strong but not bitter. Desirous and not desperate. To keep me on the path that HE wants me to be on. It was hard for me to "ask" for a man. Do I want one because I feel like I need to scoop one up before they all run out? (lol) Or do I want one because I'm really ready to be in relationship? I can't figure it out.

I'm going to continue to pray about it. I know that I can offer A LOT to a good man. But I want to be woman enough to appreciate him when he comes along.

In the meantime I'll keep building my empire, helping others and enjoying my low lack of a sex drive. It could be worse. I could have an insane sex drive and be a raging whore.

I'm just sayin'...

I actually thought about semi-adopting that lifestyle but hittin' and quittin' ain't for me.

I'm just sayin'...

I should just stop, uh? Hahahahaaaa!

(photo source)

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