Both have the tendency to remove all kind of positivity I have floating in my veins. They depress me and make me unproductive. And being unproductive makes me feel like a worthless loser. Dramatic, I know but hey...my parents always made sure that I was doing "something" so when I'm not I feel inadequate.
Yeah, thats' right...blame character flaws on the parentals. Never mind that I haven't been parented in like...years.
...yesterday's migraine almost killed me. It was so bad. These pains also remind me of how alone I am. If something happened to me, I'd be on my own. If I'm too sick to drive home, I'd have to call a cab. No one will make soup or run to get my homeopathic meds. No one will sit by my side and rub my back or pray with me while I cry away the pain. It's very sad. I never think about this until I'm sick though.
Yesterday my migraine was so bad that I swear I kept blacking out at the wheel while I was driving home. I kept wondering what would happen if I completely blacked out and got into a car accident. Who would come to my rescue? Who would know? I wanted to cry at the thought but crying would only intensify my pain.
That's another reason why I stopped crying. It only brings about more pain. I now associate crying with pain which is funny since it's usually pain that causes crying in the first place. It's like:
Pain=crying + pain causd by crying therefore=crying=pain
C=A+B therefore A=C
My f-ing 10th grade Algebra teacher would be proud. Only took 8 years for me to understand that equation crap. So now I'm up at 3am because I've slept for so many freaking hours. No one called to check to see how I was doing because no one knew that I was on death's door. And so I tweet. Damn shame that I have to reach out to the almost 3 thousand people I follow to let me them know that I'm okay. HA!
I don't like living like this. I hate admitting it but I need more people here. I love the church that I attend but I never thought about joining it. Maybe I need to. I have a few girlfriends here but not enough. Maybe I need to join the running group after all.
Haha, you thought I was going to mention something about a man, right? NOT The good Lord don't want me to be dating/boo-ed up/in love/sprung/married, etc. I just know it. Not that I care anymore. It's almost funny.