My life. My thoughts. And I'm probably crazy for letting random people in. Wouldn't be the craziest thing I've done though. Watch this!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Family Dys...and function.

I'm guilty of playing myself every now and then. And I HATE when I do that. For example, I downplay how much my family means to me.

Sometimes I pride myself on being a nomad. For living far away from the fam and working on my own and paying my own bills and having done so for many years now. I pop my collar every time I do some "grown up" shit like buy a car or go to some meeting. Or dive into business ventures.

But the truth family's approval means a lot. And when I don't get the love I feel like I hurts. It's hard to admit this. My family, like many others, is dysfunctional. I don't really know my position in the family circle either. Am I the black sheep? The daughter who ran away? The silent force? The 'We don't don't know what she's up to' kid? I mean...I know I'm loved. And I know my parents are proud of me. But something is missing and I'm not sure what it is.

The holidays seem to make everything okay though. I stuck with my "I ain't buyin' gifts for people who have enough...not to mention I spent all of my money on business ventures anyway" attitude. I spent very little money and yet everyone was happy. I received gifts I so didn't need but was grateful anyway.

I am really going to try to give my family more credit. I have to let go of the "You weren't there when I needed you" feelings I have for some of them. I can't act my sisters' admiration for me doesn't affect me. It does. I have to forgive my family and move on. I don't want to take them for granted and I don't want to have that hardness on my heart.

*woo-sah* It's tough. But through prayer and constant reminders of how important family is, I can get through it.

I feel so vulnerable even blogging about this but...*sigh*...change has to come with my attitude towards my family.

I am loved, appreciated, respected and admired. What more can I ask for?

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