I'm guilty of playing myself every now and then. And I HATE when I do that. For example, I downplay how much my family means to me.
Sometimes I pride myself on being a nomad. For living far away from the fam and working on my own and paying my own bills and having done so for many years now. I pop my collar every time I do some "grown up" shit like buy a car or go to some meeting. Or dive into business ventures.
But the truth is....my family's approval means a lot. And when I don't get the love I feel like I need....it hurts. It's hard to admit this. My family, like many others, is dysfunctional. I don't really know my position in the family circle either. Am I the black sheep? The daughter who ran away? The silent force? The 'We don't don't know what she's up to' kid? I mean...I know I'm loved. And I know my parents are proud of me. But something is missing and I'm not sure what it is.
The holidays seem to make everything okay though. I stuck with my "I ain't buyin' gifts for people who have enough...not to mention I spent all of my money on business ventures anyway" attitude. I spent very little money and yet everyone was happy. I received gifts I so didn't need but was grateful anyway.
I am really going to try to give my family more credit. I have to let go of the "You weren't there when I needed you" feelings I have for some of them. I can't act my sisters' admiration for me doesn't affect me. It does. I have to forgive my family and move on. I don't want to take them for granted and I don't want to have that hardness on my heart.
*woo-sah* It's tough. But through prayer and constant reminders of how important family is, I can get through it.
I feel so vulnerable even blogging about this but...*sigh*...change has to come with my attitude towards my family.
I am loved, appreciated, respected and admired. What more can I ask for?