The best in me....

Something happened when I was in Photoshop playing around with the above photo. I was listening to Marvin Sapp's "The Best in Me" and tears started streaming down my face. That song does something to me. I have always felt so misunderstood. Even now. No one understands my fire. My drive. My vision. My passion.

"Oh Brit likes to write,"

That's what folx would say if you asked them. But it is so much more than that. I can't even explain it. Maybe it's not meant to be explained. Maybe it can only be shown.

I'm alone but I'm not lonely. It's true. I'm a social butterfly but lately all I want to do is spend time with me. The occasional hang out with a girlfriend is fine but I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. I don't miss anyone. I don't live near family. I don't have a significant other. I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I don't know how to explain that either but I'm grateful for this. I am 25 and I get to focus on me. Worry about me. This is my time. I am so blessed. Some people don't get this time.

God has really been moving in my life. In such a powerful way. It's almost overwhelming. I'm learning from my devotional books and attempting to stay prayerful and faithful during the week after Sunday services.

"He saw the best...."

People hate Clumps of Mascara's new layout. They don't see my vision. They don't understand where I'm going. They think I'm crazy for getting rid of a hot pink background with flowers and crap. They don't understand that I am evolving and will only get better. They think that Clumps of Mascara is just a website. They don't understand that it is also a business and that my blog is also my resume. They don't get it.

"He only sees me for who I am."

God is speaking to me. It's hard to stay quiet. I feel like screaming about how wonderful God's grace and mercy is. People say they aren't "religious". They don't get in that "praising God/Allah/Jah/Jehovah" stuff in public.

"He saw the best in me when everyone else around could only see the worst in me."

Hey World, for real....watch this....

Relationship? What's that?

Lately the talk of love, relationships and marriage has been coming up in a lot of my conversations with folx. Now I'm not trying to act like some anti-love thug or anything but very rarely am I thinking about love, etc. I don't know what that says about me either. While a lot of my fellow counterparts are eagerly waiting to be in the relationship of their dreams or get married, I'm just....chillin'.

Yesterday my guyBFF told me that he and his girlfriend decided to end things. I was a little sad because I liked ole girl. And I hate hearing about break-ups for two people who seem to be good together. Granted I wasn't IN the relationship so I don't know what happened, but still....

And then a girlfriend of mine told me that she prays for a man daily. Call me stupid, but I've never thought to pray for a man. And I am a HUGE believer in prayer. As much as I love to love and love being in a relationship, I have never asked God to send someone my way. It was never THAT serious to me.

But now I'm getting older and I suppose....more anxious. I don't really like admitting that. It seems lame and desperate. I'm okay with being vulnerable in some areas but not when it comes to admitting that I may be desirous of a mate. Ugh! Just typing that makes me feel like some 60-year old cat lady who has been single for years.

I've been single for awhile. I've dated guys losers here and there but nothing really STUCK. From the homeless 38 year old to the Bible loving 'I'm not gay anymore' guy (don't ask, lmao!) I dated because I was bored. And I was bored because I wasn't doing anything to occupy my time. But now I am. My blogging/business ventures take up a lot of time. I go to bed without craving someone next to me. I don't even think about sex.

I know, I know....that probably isn't even normal, is it? Some folx be gettin' it on a regular and I hardly think about it. That's just---strange. But it's where I am right now and I've accepted it.

But somewhere....somewhere deep inside my soul, I know that I want to be in a relationship. I mean, I guess. I DON'T KNOW. I want to be married. Just not tomorrow. I'm so confused.

So what did I do? I prayed. I asked God to keep me strong but not bitter. Desirous and not desperate. To keep me on the path that HE wants me to be on. It was hard for me to "ask" for a man. Do I want one because I feel like I need to scoop one up before they all run out? (lol) Or do I want one because I'm really ready to be in relationship? I can't figure it out.

I'm going to continue to pray about it. I know that I can offer A LOT to a good man. But I want to be woman enough to appreciate him when he comes along.

In the meantime I'll keep building my empire, helping others and enjoying my low lack of a sex drive. It could be worse. I could have an insane sex drive and be a raging whore.

I'm just sayin'...

I actually thought about semi-adopting that lifestyle but hittin' and quittin' ain't for me.

I'm just sayin'...

I should just stop, uh? Hahahahaaaa!

(photo source)