Entering hustle mode...

That money thang can sho get a sista down. If and when I let it, though.

I cried over money woes a lot when I was in college. A LOT! Times were hard and I never wanted to ask my parents for money. Even though they had it. I would literally struggle like mad because I thought I was such a grown-up and wanted to be on my own. I have sense learned that being too proud is not a good thing. Sometimes people really want to help you and blocking that is blocking a blessing. I hit rock bottom before I learned that lesson.

I have so many business expenses right now. I used to complain about it a lot. But what you reap, you sow, right? I need a business loan. But I won't go that far. Yet.

I am now in hustle mode and prepping up for Clumps the business, a huge move, conferences and only God knows what else. My funds are tapped out but I'm going to make this happen by having a little faith and being extremely destitute for the next few months. That means no traveling. No buying things I don't need. No eating out---not that I do that a lot anyway.

....I don't know how I'm going to survive without traveling. The thought of being at home EVERY weekend depresses me. But I suppose it will give me the opportunity to really clean up, maximize my weekend work-out/runs. I may even spend a few dollars on a used bike and ride it on the weekends.

So I'm really trying HARD not to stress about this "low money" thang. I'm going to do what I can and hope I have enough to do what I really need to do.

Here we go....

The best in me....

Something happened when I was in Photoshop playing around with the above photo. I was listening to Marvin Sapp's "The Best in Me" and tears started streaming down my face. That song does something to me. I have always felt so misunderstood. Even now. No one understands my fire. My drive. My vision. My passion.

"Oh Brit likes to write,"

That's what folx would say if you asked them. But it is so much more than that. I can't even explain it. Maybe it's not meant to be explained. Maybe it can only be shown.

I'm alone but I'm not lonely. It's true. I'm a social butterfly but lately all I want to do is spend time with me. The occasional hang out with a girlfriend is fine but I thoroughly enjoy being by myself. I don't miss anyone. I don't live near family. I don't have a significant other. I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I don't know how to explain that either but I'm grateful for this. I am 25 and I get to focus on me. Worry about me. This is my time. I am so blessed. Some people don't get this time.

God has really been moving in my life. In such a powerful way. It's almost overwhelming. I'm learning from my devotional books and attempting to stay prayerful and faithful during the week after Sunday services.

"He saw the best...."

People hate Clumps of Mascara's new layout. They don't see my vision. They don't understand where I'm going. They think I'm crazy for getting rid of a hot pink background with flowers and crap. They don't understand that I am evolving and will only get better. They think that Clumps of Mascara is just a website. They don't understand that it is also a business and that my blog is also my resume. They don't get it.

"He only sees me for who I am."

God is speaking to me. It's hard to stay quiet. I feel like screaming about how wonderful God's grace and mercy is. People say they aren't "religious". They don't get in that "praising God/Allah/Jah/Jehovah" stuff in public.

"He saw the best in me when everyone else around could only see the worst in me."

Hey World, for real....watch this....

Vision boards and checklists...

It feels strange not stressing over that job. It literally took over my life last week. Which taught me some things. I really need to learn how to go for something, pray and move on.

Easier said than done, right?

But business-wise I am right on track.

Turned my blog into a business? CHECK
Got my own logo? CHECK
Re-designed my blog? CHECK
Social network rebranding? CHECK

Those were three huge duties on my to-do-list that I procrastinated on forever. And look....they got done in a matter of months. I'm proud.

Media Kit is next. Execumama, where you at?

I did a vision board a few nights ago. Wait until you see this....

The good kind of rejection...

Well....I didn't get the job. I found out while sitting in my car jammin' to Joe. He's got this new album and it's all smooth and sexy. Which is exactly how I feel in my car. It's super black with dark tint, decent speakers and has bucket seats....*sigh*....my car is so worth that car note. And to think months ago I was whining about buying a car. I'm such a wimp.

But anyway....I was sittin' in Chick-Fil-A's drive thru. I was craving some fruit and they sell yummy fresh fruit cups. And then I got the text. I really didn't want to cry. My feelings were hurt. I really wanted that job. It would have been perfect. I thought it was for me.

And then I felt guilty for crying about it. It felt immature and ungrateful. I've been so blessed and now that I don't get what I want, I cry about it? That's one punk move, yo.

And then I called my Mom. She told me to not worry about it. There was something else for me. That I should send prayers to the person that did get the job. She said I'm already doing a lot--and she's proud. "You can't have everything. Give someone else a chance."

She's right. A lot of times I wake up with the idea of wanting to shine and be the best. I want to give and be successful. But it takes time. Not getting that job put me in my place. In the end, it was kinda good that I didn't get it. I can't have EVERY great opportunity that comes my way. And many do. I've been humbled and now I'm back to being my non-anxious about a job self. Back to focus on 5K training and my Haiti relief event and Clumps' make over and my media kit and resume and my hair and my daily devotion. Back to the basics.


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Dreams to reality

Yesterday a friend of mine called me to ramble about some boy she likes. She went on and on and on for a good 10 minutes.

I'm really not a "phone" kind of girl. I'm just not. Especially after a long day at work. The last thing I want to hear is a female rambling and about some man. It's just not my cup of tea and most of my close friends know this and don't take it personally. This friend, however.... At the 11 minute-mark I say to her, "Sweets, I love you but I can't keep listening to this. My heart is heavy and full of ways of how I can help with this disaster that is in Haiti. So while you're freakin' out if this guy likes you or not, I hope that you know there are issues in the world that need your attention more than this guy."

And then I hung up. Was that rude? I'm sorry but I can't listen to one friend whine about a man one day when the next day I was listen to another friend cry about her family in Haiti. Some things are bigger than you. Ya know?

One night I had a dream. I dreamed Clumps of Mascara, LLC's first project. I wanted it to be some kind of "Help Haiti" mission. I woke up and put my dream into action. On Saturday, January 23rd from 10am-3pm at some chic lounge we are going to have a drive for toiletries. These toiletries will be sent to Haiti. I'm so excited about it. I have a friend drafting a flyer, I'm writing up my press release and letting the media know about it. This is what life is about.

I also dreamed that I go the job I am lounging for. No really, I DID! I dreamed I got a "Congratulations" email with instructions for my first piece.

Dreams to reality, dreams to reality...

Haiti, mwen renmen ou

Since my studies in college, my heart has always gone out to Haiti. Part of that came from a great deal of my friends being Haitian. And then I learned about Haiti's history. And Haiti's current position. I learned that it was one of the poorest country's in the World.

The latter didn't come as a shock. The entire continent of Africa is continuously stripped of its resources leaving the people poorer than poor. And not just Africa. Parts of India and....

I'm getting off topic. What I mean is, my heart is broken. Why did this have to happen to Haiti of all places? I just...I don't know what to say. Makes all of the things I want seem so unimportant.

They say things happen for a reason. That sometimes devastation happens because God wants mankind to help each other. I don't see how this makes sense in this case considering no one really helped Haiti to begin with.

I'm sounding really ignorant right now but that's only because I'm upset. Not to justify ignorance but....yeah.

I've been doing a lot of devotional reading lately. I spend a good 15 minutes a night praying and talking to God. It has been so soul cleansing. Tonight after my reading I'm going to pray for Haiti. And I'm going to pray for my selfishness. How silly of me to be worried about a 3rd job when some don't have 1. How unfair of me to worry about traveling to Europe this summer when others don't even know how they are going to eat tomorrow. I know I shouldn't stop living because of the world's issues but I don't feel right when I'm "living it up" and my closest friends have just lost loved ones. Just a few days ago I wrote a check in church to a family who lost everything in a house fire. Everything. I hope my $25 can do something.

Yesterday I got an email from a Clumps reader. She was telling me how Clumps brought her joy during a tough time. When readers send me emails like this I always tell them that their support is what keeps me going.

I don't know what this has to do with Haiti. I guess what I'm saying is I think one of my callings is to help and inspire. But with that comes a lot of guilt when I can't help everyone.

I don't know. Haiti mwen renmen ou.

High Anxiety...

I'm going through it right now.

I REALLY want this job. It's a freelance gig but ohmigoodness, it would mean SO much to me if I got it. I need it. It would be great. I can do it. I realllllly want it. I can't remember the last time I've wanted something badly.

Well in a job sense.

Just the other week I was craving some..

Never mind. I just REALLY want this job. Badly. I'm trying to practice patience and wait for a (positive) response. And I'm trying to practice praying and move on. I know that if it is in God's will for me to have it then---I'll have it. It sounds simple but last night I couldn't even sleep because I was so excited.

And I don't feel all positive about this gig like I did about writing for Clinique.com. The minute I turned in my video and application for Clinique I said,

"I got this." I didn't stress it. Nor was I nervous. In fact when I saw some unknown number pop up on my phone, I KNEW it was them telling me I was on the team.

I don't feel that way about this one. I'm nervous and all fearful of rejection.

I keep checking my Berry to see if I got a new email. Am I in?

I can't handle this. I need a paper bag. If I don't get this job I will be devastated.

No no....it ain't that deep but MAN.

I can't breathe.

2010 Randomness....

I'm going for a 3rd job soon. I'm excited about it. Mo money=mo savings. I told my Mom about it and she says, "When will you have time to.....breathe?"

Who needs to breathe? I need money! Now let's just hope I get this job.

Black people are all upset about because a race classification on the 2010 Census is "negro". Some mofos are talking about not even filling out their census report. Oh yeah, THAT makes sense. Now your "negro-behind" won't be counted and will be complaining in a year or so when there isn't enough legislative representation. I hate when Black folx get extra pissy about the WRONG thing.

Education is the key .

I really don't like to shop. At all. If I need an outfit or something, I'm in and out within 30 minutes. And hell no I'm not trying anything on because I already know my size.

Shopping in Sephora, Office Dept, Lowe's, Best Buy and Whole Foods is a different story. I could be in them places ALL day.

I used to cry a lot. Now I never cry. Crying is kinda lame. Especially when you cry all the time. No one can take you seriously anymore.

I was SO sick on Wednesday. I don't even know how I made it out of bed. But I did. And within 2 days I healed myself with echinacea, my homeopathic rememdies, Vitamin C and lots and lots of water. I wonder when people will realize that DayQuil and TheraFlu don't do crap but suppress symptoms.

I was in Whole Foods silently complaining about how damn expensive everything in that store was when a gal walked up to me and asked me if I'm on YouTube. "Something about mascara," she says. That's the 3rd time that's happened to me in Orlando. It's kinda cool.

I keep procrastinating on my 5K training. I need to call my trainer again. But I don't wanna. Not because he isn't good but because I don't want to pay the money. I'm so cheap. I piss my own self off with my cheap-ness.

I can't wait to go to church tomorrow. Traveling had me missing a good 2 weeks or so and I just feel wretched. Once upon a time I used to have this, "Oh, I can still love God and not go to church," attitude. Not anymore. Church is essential for my growth and I need to go.

I don't care who or what you serve, the devil is real.

I got a postcard in the mail about my annual report for my LLC being due soon. Aww crap. I don't even have a CPA. How am I going to do this? I'm scared.

I saw icicles outside of my window today. It's still not cold. Florida does not know cold. Cold is 17 degrees with a wind chill of zero and jumping on the C train from Brooklyn to Port Authority and then catching a cab to the Villages. And then standing outside of a poetry spot. THAT's cold.

My hair grows fast.

I love my 4th tattoo.

I wonder what travels I will take this year. I'm going to Las Vegas if it kills me. And I want to go to some part of Texas. San Fran, maybe. But I don't know anyone who lives over there. Back to NYC, Miami and Atlanta are definitely on the list. I can't think of any other states I HAVE to visit. Time to go International. Well, my girls are planning a trip to London, Amsterdam and France in the summer. SO hope that goes down.

I still can't believe I'm 25. I'm such a big girl. I'm like a little grown woman. Aww, I'm so proud of myself.

I'm so blessed.

Relationship? What's that?

Lately the talk of love, relationships and marriage has been coming up in a lot of my conversations with folx. Now I'm not trying to act like some anti-love thug or anything but very rarely am I thinking about love, etc. I don't know what that says about me either. While a lot of my fellow counterparts are eagerly waiting to be in the relationship of their dreams or get married, I'm just....chillin'.

Yesterday my guyBFF told me that he and his girlfriend decided to end things. I was a little sad because I liked ole girl. And I hate hearing about break-ups for two people who seem to be good together. Granted I wasn't IN the relationship so I don't know what happened, but still....

And then a girlfriend of mine told me that she prays for a man daily. Call me stupid, but I've never thought to pray for a man. And I am a HUGE believer in prayer. As much as I love to love and love being in a relationship, I have never asked God to send someone my way. It was never THAT serious to me.

But now I'm getting older and I suppose....more anxious. I don't really like admitting that. It seems lame and desperate. I'm okay with being vulnerable in some areas but not when it comes to admitting that I may be desirous of a mate. Ugh! Just typing that makes me feel like some 60-year old cat lady who has been single for years.

I've been single for awhile. I've dated guys losers here and there but nothing really STUCK. From the homeless 38 year old to the Bible loving 'I'm not gay anymore' guy (don't ask, lmao!) I dated because I was bored. And I was bored because I wasn't doing anything to occupy my time. But now I am. My blogging/business ventures take up a lot of time. I go to bed without craving someone next to me. I don't even think about sex.

I know, I know....that probably isn't even normal, is it? Some folx be gettin' it on a regular and I hardly think about it. That's just---strange. But it's where I am right now and I've accepted it.

But somewhere....somewhere deep inside my soul, I know that I want to be in a relationship. I mean, I guess. I DON'T KNOW. I want to be married. Just not tomorrow. I'm so confused.

So what did I do? I prayed. I asked God to keep me strong but not bitter. Desirous and not desperate. To keep me on the path that HE wants me to be on. It was hard for me to "ask" for a man. Do I want one because I feel like I need to scoop one up before they all run out? (lol) Or do I want one because I'm really ready to be in relationship? I can't figure it out.

I'm going to continue to pray about it. I know that I can offer A LOT to a good man. But I want to be woman enough to appreciate him when he comes along.

In the meantime I'll keep building my empire, helping others and enjoying my low lack of a sex drive. It could be worse. I could have an insane sex drive and be a raging whore.

I'm just sayin'...

I actually thought about semi-adopting that lifestyle but hittin' and quittin' ain't for me.

I'm just sayin'...

I should just stop, uh? Hahahahaaaa!

(photo source)

Woe is Black women.....

Why does America make it seem like we can't get a man? Exactly why are we the target here? Aren't we desirable?

And then the other part of me wonders....is this right? I mean, after all....I do know a lot of unmarried and successful Black women. My White friends are usually always in relationships. Some are getting married pretty young. But my Black girl friends?

Sometimes as a Black woman I feel stuck. My hair is "unprofessional". Do companies consider me when they formulate foundations? Am I relevant in any way?

And then other times I feel like shouting to the world, "Screw you and what you think of me!" I am the exception to the rule. I'm not what you think I am. I hate having to PROVE myself to America. I'm not a woman. I'm a Black woman. And with that often comes some kind of stereotype and it's so frustrating.

But it doesn't stop me from doing what I have to do. I don't use it as a crutch. I keep it movin'....

Bringin' in 2010...

Happy New Year! I'm so blessed. I spent mine in some beautiful lounge in Tribeca surrounded around beautiful people. We were all given a champagne glass and danced until the countdown.

And then the countdown began..

"10..."

10 years ago I was fifteen. A child, a baby...

"9..."

'09 is a year I'll never forget. Purchased. My first car. Incorporated my first business. Paid my taxes. Traveled to more places and states than ever before.

"8..."

The approximate number of serious cries I had that year. I'm talkin' "defeated cries". The cries that made me want to give up.

"7..."

"6..."

"5..."

The approximate number of stupid decisions I've made. Business ventures done wrong, allowing the wrong people in my life, money and time wasted...

"4..."

"3..."

The approximate number of new states I WILL visit. This includes Nevada, Texas and Colorado.

"2..."

"1..."

The number of chances I have. The number of lives I have. I am not Mario with 4 lives to spare. I am on one journey. I cannot quit or give up. I will, I can and I better.

Happy New Year!!!!

I clinked glasses, I hugged friends and strangers and I partied in the city that I knew would be my home in a matter of months. I prayed and thanked God for another year. I thanked him for my health and strength and for putting so many wonderful people in my life. A best friend that looks out for me in so many ways. A guy friend that showers me with enough love and attention that I very rarely get the "single blues". A Mom that continues to be my rock. Sisters that motivate me. A Dad that has issues but I know loves me. Older friends that mentor me. College friends that keep me young. High school friends that STILL have my back. Clumps/blogger friends that inspire me in soooo many ways. Clumps of Mascara....wow. My dream, my passion, my business, my love. It, like myself, will only get better in 2010.
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